Two badges he does have are “falconry” and “bleeding”

“Fashion and planning… the two merit badges I’ll never have on my imaginary boy scout sash…”

In this version he insulted tramps and thieves…

“Y’know, Thinner would be a really short story if it was about me. It’d be like 20 pages. He got thinner, then he died.”

Abs of Steel Wool…

A: I’m blind-person ogling you.

K: I’m sculpted…

A: Sure you are.

K: …out of twine.

Love overcomes all obstacles

K: You didn’t eat any pie?

A: I don’t like apple pie.

K: Well obviously you’re crazy and wrong, but I love you anyway.

Everyone knows IBD is in May, anyway.

K: You know, I’m only getting up for this class because I have to hand something in. I would NOT get out of bed for anything else, even International Berry Day.

A: Why would I make you get out of bed for International Berry Day?

K: You wouldn’t want me to miss out on pie.

We’re talkin’ hoops of steel, man. You don’t want that…

“Every one of the other characters was like, ‘Hamlet, man… don’t mess with Laertes. He’ll stab you in the face.'”

He says he “knows the struggle”


“There was dust on the kitchen floor from where the real men were doing man work this morning. It got all in my toes…”

It redirected me to an Avenue Q lyrics page instead

“I went to the English department website and saw the ‘career opportunities’ link… and it gave me a 404 page not found error.”

Mitosis… let me show you them.

“Did you know that I am, in fact, a multi-celled organism?  …Bit of trivia.”

If only there was a children’s book about not saying stupid shit

A: I’m cold… can I have a blanket?
K: No. You know what they say: “Give a mouse a cookie…”
A: …and then what?
K: It’ll want a blanket.